Books to Give Someone Who Is Grieving: 3 Safe Choices
This is a guide for the person buying, not the person grieving. The two need completely different things from a book list.
Someone who is grieving can choose their own reading when they are ready. What you need is a book that will not offend at the worst moment, will not arrive as instruction, and will still be welcome if they do not open it for six months.
- It's OK That You're Not OK — the safest thing to send
- The Year of Magical Thinking — for a reader, not for week one
- Notes on Grief — short, when nothing long will be read
It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the safest book to send — written by a therapist who was bereaved herself, and it refuses to set a timeline. Notes on Grief is 96 pages, for when concentration has gone. Avoid anything using the five stages, promising closure, or rooted in a faith you are not certain they share. Send a note saying there is no need to read it yet.
Start here: It's OK That You're Not OK
Megan Devine · 2017 · 288 pages
The book to send when you do not know what else to do. Devine’s whole argument is that grief is not a problem to be solved and that most attempts to help are really attempts to make the helper comfortable — which means the book cannot land as a lecture.
- Explicitly rejects fixing and moving on
- Written by a clinician who was bereaved herself
- Practical chapters on what to say to other people
- Safe to send without knowing their beliefs
- 288 pages is long for the earliest weeks
- Direct tone will not suit everyone
- Partner loss is the central case
Anything promising stages, closure, silver linings, or a timeline. Also avoid books about your own faith unless you know theirs and know it is welcome. If you are unsure, send the short one and a note saying there is no need to read it yet.
Side by side
Picking the right entry point
Concentration collapses in early grief. A short book is a kindness; a long one can be another obligation.
Stage models and closure narratives imply a correct speed, and being behind that schedule is a common and painful worry.
A book rooted in a tradition they do not share can end the conversation you were trying to open.
The inscription is read before the book and remembered longer.
What book should I give someone who is grieving?
It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the safest choice to send without knowing much about their situation. It was written by a therapist who was bereaved herself and it explicitly refuses to set a timeline for recovery.
Is it appropriate to give a book to someone who is grieving?
Usually yes, provided it arrives without expectation. Send a note saying there is no need to read it yet. A book that can sit on a shelf for six months and still be welcome is the right kind of gift.
What should I avoid giving a grieving person?
Anything built on the five stages, anything promising closure or a timeline, and anything rooted in a faith you are not certain they share. All three can leave the reader feeling they are grieving incorrectly.
What is the best short book for someone grieving?
Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, at 96 pages. Concentration is often the first casualty of a bereavement, and a book that can be finished in one sitting asks very little.
The short version
- No stages, no timeline, no silver linings
- Shorter the more recent the loss
- The note matters as much as the book
Send It’s OK That You’re Not OK if you know very little, Notes on Grief if the loss is very recent, and The Year of Magical Thinking if they are a reader and some months have passed. Write that you are sorry and that you are there, and leave it at that.